Disillusioned

Conditional comforts.

April 3, 2013

On days such as this one, I delude myself into believing that my soul-deep intrigue of the workings and possibilities of the Universe has been replaced only by the mere desire to escape mundane enslavements.

On days such as this one, in which it feels like my everything hurts, I delude myself into thinking that comfort is conditional on outside circumstances which are often beyond the reach of my influence.

But when this day has passed, I beseech I may awaken from these superficial notions, so that I may find my comforts simply within the awareness of my being.

Conceived in Liberty.

February 20, 2013

"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

It's absolutely mind boggling how there can actually be debates on whether or not the U.S. Constitution should be included within the subject curriculum in our public schools. The document that serves to protect our natural rights of liberty and property while limiting the government's power over states and the public, the document which establishes the rules and powers granted to the three branches of our federal government, the document which is the foundation for the rights we are granted as citizens of the United States of America affecting our daily existence within this land, and somehow, there are individuals who question whether or not the new generations growing up and living in this country should learn anything within the school system about the laws which will affect the rest of their lives while they live here?

New laws are being passed in more and more states affecting our individual rights which are downright appalling. If the general public doesn’t have any knowledge of what rights our Constitution grants us, then who will notice if our rights start being revoked, one by one?

No longer is evolution taught within our school system, the scientific study of evolution has now been replaced within the school curriculum with the religious study of "Creationism".

Somehow, the citizens of this country are questioning whether or not it's acceptable to teach within the school system about the documents that govern the law of this land, meanwhile we have somehow allowed it to become acceptable to teach religious views within the school system, even though the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights within our Constitution grants us freedom of religion, or irreligion.

How is it possible that the culture of our nation has degraded into being more consumed by the latest trend of Harlem Shake videos and keeping up with the Kardashians (I had to Google these 2 references after repeatedly hearing about them without having any idea what these referred to), than actually caring to be educated regarding the laws that affect our individual rights?

Wake up, America. WAKE UP.

Essence of self.

January 10, 2013

Although I recognize my higher consciousness as the silent observer within myself, while we are physically present at a specific point in time, we manifest into existence the personality traits which actively represent us as individuals.

What are the characteristics of the personality that you’ve manifested within your lifetime which you feel currently best define “you” as an individual?

Which traits of your personality do you feel are conditional of the circumstances around you and which do you feel are the closest to an honest reflection of whom you genuinely believe yourself to identify with as an individual regardless of outside factors?

If you were to wake up tomorrow in a different time or a different world, what character traits would you continue to choose to manifest? Do you think you would change your personality, forms of self manifestation, or values at all?

Dream: December 21st, Winter Solstice

December 22, 2012

Distance isn't a measure of space, it's a measure of resistance.

Resistance: Density (of energy field?) between any connecting points.

Blurred.

December 5, 2012

Some days I just want to distort all the light around me until I am barely visible. Inconceivably seen through the corners of eyes, only to be gone before the vision is validated.

Frazzled Disaster.

November 25, 2012

I am free to express myself as I am at every moment that I am. If that means that my sense of sadness may come through on some days more than others, then so be it. It is honest expression, as opposed to suppression in order to try to live up to the ideas that anyone else may have of me.

Events in our lives do have an effect on how we feel/perceive the world around us and as individuals, we are always transforming. If I happen to be going through a phase in which I am allowing myself to feel as I do and somehow that comes across to others who have known me through previous manifestations of myself as looking tired, beaten by life, and frazzled, so be it. I am not under any obligation to try to live up to a previous version of myself, simply to meet anyone else's expectations of whom they believe me to be.

Yes, my sadness may come through these days more obviously than in the past, and yes, it might be accurate that at this moment I may look "tired". And that is because I do indeed feel exhausted.

Does that mean that I consider myself to be "beaten by life"? Absolutely not. It simply means that I am okay with allowing myself to feel as I do, until I feel differently. I am still present and still aware of my own choices. Beauty does not have only one form of manifestation.

A heartfelt Thanksgiving.

November 22, 2012

I am grateful for having things to be grateful for every single day that I am consciously aware. The Universe has bestowed upon my life innumerable blessings and privileges which I do not take for granted. Even in my darkest moments, I am still fully aware of how incredibly fortunate I am for having even the seemingly most basic comforts in life, such as access to clean water, clean air, and a safe place to sleep in.

As romantic as it may seem to nostalgically think of previous times in which life to some seemed "simpler", I am incredibly grateful to exist during a period of time in which society continues to strive to move forward with its desire to provide justice and well-being for all.

We are far from living in a perfect social system still, but that does not mean that our progress should be taken for granted. As superficial as it may seem to state this, I live in a society in which I am free to have pink hair, dress in black, wear short skirts, and wear corsets because I choose to, and not because I am under any obligation to. Unfortunately, even during current times, there are many who are not free to make even such superficial choices.

It is indeed incredibly heart-breaking and completely disappointing to see some societies during present times, spiraling back towards structures of inequality between the sexes, oppression, and downright barbaric and unjustifiable actions against other human beings. Actions and belief systems which betray the basic principle of respecting and honoring human lives.

Which is why, despite its flaws, I am grateful for the privilege and honor of being an American and of living in The United States of America, a country which separates state and religion and in which despite the passing of laws which we may not always agree with, it still is possible for our voices to be heard, as we still live under a constitution which makes it possible for individuals to appeal for change.

Memories within minds disintegrate with time.

October 15, 2012

Maybe it's the manifestation of a desire to feel that our lives are relevant, that our existence has an impact, that we are somehow significant, in an otherwise seemingly meaningless unfolding of events. The conviction to not forget, to love beyond departure, to have stories etched onto our souls, as if we could through these, defy mortality.

Let bygones be bygones, they say.

It’s the present moment in which our existence manifests, with each breath the privilege of a new conscious opportunity to experience whatever it is that this, around us is.

Still, I find myself feeling unable to find resolution, still unable to come to terms with, still tormented by events that can no longer be altered.

Still questioning, still wondering, still reliving, still reimagining…

There was no hesitation. No day or two of consideration. No granting of a moment alone to come to terms with and let me see the…

In the grander scheme of things, does my torment make any difference in the outcome of events? Of course it doesn’t. Do I have a choice to simply let go of it? Of course I do.

Choice. A matter of perspective, at best.

I could… tell myself this story all over again. Changing the perspective through which the story was experienced and therefore the tone in which the story is retold.

Or I… could forget the story altogether. Memories within minds all disintegrate with time anyway.

*12:41pm power outage.

The words disappear from the screen, but the feelings within do not subside.

Until this frame of awareness is no longer our reference for reality.

October 11, 2012

Our days within this form of physical manifestation are numbered. Whatever else may or may not be past our time here, is at best, uncertain. Even if it could possibly be so that our departure from this physical plane of manifestation could portend to a continuation of consciousness free of our physical limitations, how free of the chains of our physical illusions are ghosts really, when they may never again physically hold the hand and feel the warmth of those whom they've left behind?

It's a rare opportunity that we have, for a limited time, to share and experience the present moment with others here. Even if it could possibly be so that there may ever be a return by our souls to this plane, past our physical departure, circumstances will never be the same. What we have here is completely ephemeral, every moment rapidly dissolving out of grasp and out of existence, forever.

Electric.

August 3, 2012

This afternoon's lightning storms reminded me of last night's dreams.

I dreamt that I was in lightning and that lightning was running through me. And it was fantastic.

Metamorphosis.

August 3, 2012

We write the stories of our own lives. How we choose to tell the stories defines how we experience them.

Once we become aware that we are the dreamers of the dream, then we are free to allow ourselves to dream a beautiful dream.

Waves and particles (from delight to delirium).

June 12, 2012

I don't think I'd like to eat a sunrise, but I'd like to eat moonlight.

At the speed of light.

June 12, 2012

Why must light always be traveling?

Inaccessible.

June 12, 2012

There isn't a day which goes by in which I don't wonder how it's possible that I am conscious. Regardless of what the definition of "I" might actually be, it is still rather clear that I possess some manner of reflective awareness, limited as it might be. And that the origin of the manifestation of this awareness that has come to be, regardless of whether or not it may continue past the manifestation of the physical existence that we currently recognize, may always remain a mystery, is rather tormenting. Although solace may be found through humble acceptance, still we desire to comprehend and expand beyond the capacity of the reach of our minds, despite the notion that due to the limitations of our perception, an accurate interpretation of truth may always remain inaccessible.

Life is.

May 12, 2012

Nothing needs to follow. Life simply is.

-----------

My Dad asked me some days ago: "Isn't life beautiful?"

I thought about it for a moment and responded with: "Life is".

My response wasn't in agreement (or disagreement) with "beautiful", but simply that "life is".

Beautiful, or any other description of it is subjective, a matter of perspective. The only notion that we can be certain of is that we simply are.

Full beyond measure.

April 15, 2012

Rise galaxy, rise
So that I may awaken to your radiance
Before our sun kindles
and blinds the world all over again.

Do I perceive myself to be trapped within my own consciousness?

March 13, 2012

It's mostly a question regarding the concept of self.

Even if I believe that I am capable of extending my mind's reach beyond physical limitations, the perceptions are still being filtered through my perspective.

I may believe that I am part of everything, connected to everything, the stars, clouds, the wind... but were it not due to the awareness of my own consciousness and my ability to perceive this reality through my own view, would my sense of self still exist outside of this specific manifestation of consciousness? Do I believe that this affects the essence of self that I currently identify with or is it simply enough to know that my existence, in whichever form it manifests, simply is?



*March 19th edit:

The answers to these question became seemingly more attainable to me after experiencing a dream in which I became aware of my consciousness without any physical attachments to my awareness. Once the physical attachments were removed from my awareness in the dream, these were the realizations that followed:

My mind is only a filter.

My interpretations are only ephemeral reflections of my currently perceived state of consciousness.

Under my "current" perspective (which continually changes, but I simply have to filter the ideas as they come), eternal thoughts/ ideas are not within my mind, but simply are.

Although eternal ideas are not in my mind but simply are, I may use my current manifestation of mind as a tool to access these.

In relinquishing the desire to possess or give my ego any credit for finding the answers within my mind, as if these could belong to me, I am able to let go of superficial notions that keep me from experiencing the essence of truth.

Haunted by tragically delicious dreams.

February 22, 2012

Tormented by a pressing feeling that a crucial piece of information is still missing. Does the notion stem from insightful intuition or merely from wishful thinking?

Consequence of awareness.

February 15, 2012

Just because I won't miss this moment, doesn't mean I should not appreciate it while I am living it. This is the life I have, this is the moment I am experiencing, the present is my only chance to find comfort within my existence.

Reactions.

January 31, 2012

Nothing in this life is "mine" anyway.
I exist, I will stop existing at some point.
I'll take nothing with me.
So why allow myself all this suffering?
Over all these things which shall pass at some point anyway?

Where have the sages gone?

January 19, 2012

It seems more often than not that our generation is being led to believe that old age is no longer correlated with a sign of accumulated wisdom, but rather, accumulated greed and corruption.

May upcoming days prove differently.

If our paths are crossed, where do we meet?

January 17, 2012

I can always hope that one day, one of my super powers may turn out to be- understanding how it all tied together in my physical lifetime. Perceiving all the things that were interrelated while developing simultaneously in the background. Gaining insight into how the paths of those who played significant roles in my life unfolded, to end up intertwining with mine, from the very beginning.

Contradictions in our social structures.

January 7, 2012

On one hand, we've created social structures based on the principle that we need to give something back to the system in order to be able to receive anything from it as individuals (e.g. work in order to make a living). Yet the same system that created these social structures does not apply the same principle when taking and exploiting natural resources. We take and unnecessarily exploit to excess, but what do we do as a society and as individuals to give back to the natural system that freely provides to us all the resources that we need to survive within it?

Another year, another year.

December 30, 2011

Until another year comes and life is behind you.

You see, there is no guarantee. There is no promise that at some point things will miraculously get better. Because if you look at the general population... the majority of people are discontent. We don't live in some utopia in which everyone eventually reaches a state of contentment and happiness, it's the opposite. More people live and die miserably, yet everyone keeps on hoping. Hoping that eventually things will get better. That self-delusion we've been taught to believe in, just to be able to push ourselves through another day. The hope that one day things will finally fall into place.

From mini crush to totally crushed.

December 22, 2011

We try to make the best of this, whatever this is. We tell ourselves that we should enjoy our experiences, strive for accomplishments, aim to reach for a glimpse of understanding, tell ourselves stories about finding meaning in love...

Machines. We are just machines created within the star factory of the Universe.

On neon.

December 11, 2011

Sometime 2009. From all the times I asked him about neon, a concept and moment immortalized in a notepad file.

(12:52:18 AM) < kitten>: Well, that gets into a whole bunch of love, loss, and neon.
(12:53:01 AM) < kitten>: Neon. Like that which illuminates city streets at night.
(12:53:13 AM) < kitten>: Where you're surrounded by people, by yourself.
(01:41:09 AM) < kitten>: The neon is more day to day, I think. I come out at night, when the working class is at home and the socialites abound, and the night's choked with smog so you can't see the moon or the stars, but everything's lit by neon and mercury-vapor streetlamps.
(01:43:14 AM) < kitten>: I leave the office those nights which are all dark and hazy and stroll on these avenues, avoiding the beggars and trumpet players, and try to find a place. And they're all just holes in the wall.

Motions with reference to direction.

December 4, 2011

Everything passes, everyone passes. The basic set of experiences are repeated, by another one, at another time. All just different versions of the same.

Somehow we want to believe that these experiences matter, because they are ours, as if that gives them greater meaning. Generation, after generation.

Settled into resignation.

October 18, 2011

Deluding ourselves into trying to assign meaning and purpose to an existence we will never truly be capable of understanding, just to keep our awareness from decaying within the system. Something to keep us in motion, always reaching for the unattainable.

Cycles of past, present, future, remembrance, and renewal.

October 4, 2011

I'm trespassing into this other world
desiring to will your presence through me
so that we can ascend from mystery
to subside the ambivalence within

Drowning in a flood of memories
is preferable to drowning in the silence of your absence
is preferable to filling every empty moment with the torment
of both our worlds collapsing

Irius noveralus diabelus.

September 26, 2011

Dream extraction: Irius noveralus diabelus.

The background was carved out and with the fingertips of my left hand I could feel the texture and edges of the letters in basso-rilievo.

Meaning: Unknown.

Grave hearts.

September 25, 2011

Retracing steps, aching for atonement and closure, although the outcome will always be inevitably unchangeable.

My fluffy slippers.

August 17, 2011

There are days in which I feel that with every thought, I'm endangering the illusion of our rules within this simulation.

These connections leave me feeling disconnected.

August 4, 2011

At some point, it would be expected that a sense of acceptance, even if in the form of resignation, would settle in. But as time passes, the days prove only to be a constant reminder of an existence tainted with a desperate sense of missing which cannot be fulfilled.

Moment of Fade Video Shoot: Keys

July 29, 2011

Plausibly impossible possibilities.

May 24, 2011

Daydreaming of random fate encounters at train stations in distant places. Perhaps a girl traveling with a pet mini monkey will tell me a secret that only I was meant to know. Maybe a stranger will know what the color of the stars in my dreams is. Perchance, an old man will give me a very old key that will open a door full of potential potentials. Or at the very least, through a web of plausibly impossible possibilities, cities will simply pass by behind tinted glass windows.

Falling faster and faster through time.

April 22, 2011

I'm free falling through time. Relative to my own frame of reference, my perception of the passing of time seems to be constantly accelerating.

One year was once the equivalent of 1/8 of my lifetime in this form of awareness. Fast forward 12 years, and all of a sudden within my mind's frame of reference, the passing of 1 year had turned into 1/20 of my lifetime.

And the days keep passing by, faster and faster.

Will my perception of the passing of time eventually reach its equivalent for terminal velocity?

Inseparable

April 9, 2011

"They're inseparable", I whispered out loud to the wind remembering your words as I stood on the same bridge where we once contemplated together.



And as the sadness washed over me, the clouds gathered to remind me that you're always with me.

Conceptualized reality.

March 28, 2011

Being awake within the dream gives you the power to transform the reality of your perception within the multiple layers of the dream.

On the highway.

March 27, 2011

Speeding through the lanes, they're racing past the cycles of a conscious awakening to the dysfunctions of this collective madness.

I don't know where they are going, but they are all trying to get there so quickly.

Another round of: me against the world?

March 6, 2011

It's a game with a predictably dead end when there's only one person moving around the pieces.

Nothing but shadows in the night.

February 12, 2011

1:23 AM. I stop and take a picture. "How many times did he do this?" I ask myself. Walk through 14 blocks lost in his own thoughts while the background was nothing but a blur, in this city full of fancy buildings and beautiful people. The red blinking hand suggests I should stop, but I look both ways and cross the street anyway. It's 27 degrees Fahrenheit outside, but I'm not cold and I just keep on walking.

Come to nothing.

February 9, 2011

If I "don't lose hope", then I'll just be continuing to further set myself up for disappointment.

And it's the constant disappointment that crushes the life out of me.

Broken screens and broken dreams.

January 25, 2011

Maybe I still resent the Universe for tomorrow one year ago, and the 3 weeks that followed. Maybe one day I'll awaken to look back upon this with a higher sense of wisdom and understanding, but that day, is not today.

01-01-11

January 1, 2011

Nothing but human-made abstractions used as psychological pace setters. Time doesn't just magically reset itself at the turn of a fictional number.

Until that is all there is.

December 17, 2010

Perhaps lost, eternally, in a loop of a moment that has already passed, dreaming it over and over, until that is all there is.

Darker and darker turns this frame of mind.

Without skills, without faith, I am at point zero.

Morning.

December 12, 2010

If only I could fall back, fall back to sleep. For dreams with you outweigh the waking world without you.

Drowning in the silence of your absence.

December 3, 2010

We, didn't write all the stories. We didn't write all the songs and poems, we didn't shoot all the movies.

Which means, there are others who know just what it feels like to exist in this frame of mind, to be consumed by the same torments.

Yet, where are all these others?

Hurt turns into apathy, turns into hurt, turns into apathy, turns into...

December 3, 2010

It has all been written before, it has all been said more eloquently by others before. Yet often, I delude myself into thinking that my output has some sort of value.

I, am just adding more worthless noise into an already noise polluted world.

Beautiful noise, some will tell me.

But I know that- it's only beautiful, because it makes no difference.

Today, in consciousness.

November 18, 2010

This morning I woke up in this body containing all of the memories of the life that has been lived through it. In this moment in consciousness, I have access to all of the memories of the thought processes that have transpired within it.

What should I make of all the information stored within this body? If I am not bound to continue the same pattern of experiences that has been lived through it, what choices do I wish to make to add to or change the reality experienced within this form?

As if I could somehow be resuscitated.

November 14, 2010

Make it somehow better. Blur the grey away. Rip into the broken I've become until all my memories have faded.

A billions suns, a billion years.

October 20, 2010

We could have lived at different times, we could have been distanced by galaxies 7 billion light years apart. But that we happened to coincide, that we were both able to look at the same stars at the same time, that our paths crossed, that we were aware of each other's existence and that there was togetherness, even if only for a moment in time, well, that alone was privilege enough to make this lifetime worthwhile.

Together in paradox.

October 19, 2010

Trapped in the machinations of our inner states of isolation (alone), knowing that there are others, who share the same condition.

"To have someone who knows what it is like. How isolated then are we truly?"

The words resonate, but fail to bring any manner of comfort.

Until the veils wear thin.

October 7, 2010

I'm the only one who knows this story. Goodnights whispered into empty nights. I'm the one who suffers it, the one who loves it. Because if it weren't this sad, it wouldn't be this beautiful. It's like the tales they tell you, of flowers that wilt before they bloom. Except that in this version, the story teller is silently internalizing the whole plot. And looking out from within, while turning deeper inward still. Into the places they all write about and glorify in pieces of literature. Off to the places otherwise unrecognized unless one is falling into them, until the secrets are spelled out in words and ink. And even then, still, mostly they entirely miss it. Not many left who still read in between the lines. It's another one of her abstractions, they'll say. This is yet another moment which she chooses to be detached from, they'll conclude. Not detached. This isn't detached. This is immersed to the deepest level, to an almost relative absolute. These are the tides beneath the layer of serenity, these are the fires that burn underneath the skin. This is the chaos, and torment, and trapped condition of longing, silenced only by the glamouries worn, until the veils wear thin.

The broken tower.

September 19, 2010

Deprived of oxygen, light-speed resuscitations, and ether, something inside has vanished. Something inside is gone.

Despite the self induced state of isolation, alone had never been equivalent to lonely. Always the observer on the outside. Always that detached sense of perspective. The dreamer of the dream, but not the dreamer in the dream.

Feel the wind brush through my hair, trace my eyebrows and my cheeks. Watch the mortals pass, observe as they indulge in their own diversions. See the traps they set up for themselves and fall right into while forgetting they were the ones to set them there to begin with.

High tower, my looking place, no one looking back. It's simply what it was.

That- was before. Now- something's lost. That deeper "sense of" is broken, and no matter what the actual outcome may turn out to be, it's only gray tainted days that seem to stretch out forever into the future.

One event takes place after the other, moving time along with sunsets, sunrises, and moments of twilight marking the pace. But somehow, the scenes are distorted, the surroundings are distant, and the person behind the experiences isn't even observing on the surface.

It was- that fatal moment in which I realized that an unexpected connection had been formed, that an unprecedented sense of security took over. Suddenly it wasn't just alone. It was someone else on the same side, looking out into the world with me. It was someone else that had been looking out into the world with me since always, except that now, we were looking out into the world together, despite the 650 miles of distance between us.

And then, snatched. Stolen by fate, and time.

That sense of security was shattered, broken into a million pieces that scattered irreversibly throughout the time continuum, and replaced by the deepest sense of loss.

I can hope. I can always hope that even if it's not the same type of connection, that another connection can be made. But somehow, it seems more likely that such a fate will never come true. Eons of neon before, eons of neon after, the ephemeral light that burned out as quickly as it struck like lightning bolts, is now only a silent memory etched out on soul and skin.

-----------

Now I try. To transform. The experience into output.

I'm holding on to a focal point: the next release. It's as if I somehow expect for each release to bring an imminent life change. As if I can manage to get some of this out of me into the out there, that somehow the release will transcend into some manner of transformation. But after the next release? Unknown, unplanned, void of desire or projections. Yet… I feel like the output of this next release is not proportional to the level of broken. There's no masterpiece here, no grand finale with which I could proudly wave adieu with. Just an injustice- an exponential failure at the quality of expression that should have been projected from the input of suffering. But it's not Alchemy, or chemical reactions. And maybe, the only thing I've excelled at throughout this has been at finding new ways of adding more shades of tragedy into my spectrum.

The missing elements.

September 18, 2010

The moon just told me a (make believe?) story. Although I'm quite aware that it sounds like a story being told by a lunatic, here's my recollection of the tale.

Once upon a time... there was this planet which hadn't been named Earth yet. But it just was.

Now it's important to know, that all living beings in a planet by default, absorb all the properties of that planet (being exposed to the chemical compositions, elements, etc.).

One day, a giant meteor hit the planet that was yet to be named Earth, and a giant chunk of the planet flew out into space, to become the satellite which we now call our Moon.

But see, that chunk of Moon has all these elements and properties which the living beings of the Earth need also, as these were in fact, originally part of the Earth. Except that now all of these elements and properties are so many miles away.

So now, when the sunlight bounces off of the Moon, it picks up little pieces of essence from all these elements we are missing and brings them back to us in packets of moonlight.

The body and psyche naturally absorb the packets of light that are at any time most abundant. And as most of the inhabitants of the Earth are out during the day, they most quickly absorb the packets of light beaming directly from the Sun.

So it is the “mystics” who expose themselves directly to the full Moon’s light who absorb the highest concentration of moonlight, and therefore also absorb the light that is infused with all these elements we are missing that were once part of the Earth.

That is why it is the mystics who are wisest. They’ve absorbed the missing elements.

Storms are brewing.

September 14, 2010

The lights keep going off and on, due to the storm outside. Simultaneously, the lights keep going on and off, due to the storm inside.

Far fetched.

August 7, 2010

I want to talk about mental constructs and how our minds put together stories, from a whole bunch of different pieces- random events which we connect to one another in order to make one consistent version of what we interpret to be reality. I want to talk about how I've been having these far fetched notions that although all of the different scenes and episodes of recent events would logically be pieced together to form one congruent storyline of what may have happened, that in reality, all I have are just the memories of isolated events, which by themselves, could not validate the perceived outcome. I want to talk about it and I want to tell you- that I'm starting to have doubts, that I'm starting to question if in reality, this was all somehow a master plan to disguise an alternate escape route. I want to tell you and I want to ask you for some manner of confirmation, but for the sake of sanity, I keep dismissing these notions as nothing more than: far fetched.

Beyond corporate slavery.

August 7, 2010

There are people out there, walking through cities. Savoring the world, not worrying about Monday mornings. Losing themselves within their thoughts, while watching foreign cities pass by through the windows of trains and buses.

Feeling like an addict.

July 21, 2010

I'm riding on every next song to push me forward, needing to see each one through until completion. In this case, it's the next "record" (of my audio diaries), really. But once the next episode has been coded, documented, and released, what will keep me pushing forward then?

"Far away" is relative.

July 21, 2010

It's not about physical distance. It's about our connections and the levels of our connections.

And I'm usually- a million miles from here.

Reality for the hopeless romantic.

July 7, 2010

You spend a lifetime claiming not to want, but internally, secretly hoping and hoping. Until the hope turns into almost, the almost turns into lost, and the lost becomes the instead of a happily ever after.

It was man who created God in his image.

July 5, 2010

The day will come in which the people of the world will realize that thinking that "God created man in his image" was as ignorant and self centered as when the majority of the population was led to believe that it was the earth that was the center of our solar system.

"If you only get to do one thing with her when you see her, ask her to play the piano for you", is what he said to me.

June 26, 2010

It was a mission to find a single piano in all of Willemstad today. And although it was made to look like a grand piano, it was actually an electronic piano. So of course, she refused to play it. She would not "degrade herself" to that. 5 minutes, I asked her for. Just 5 minutes. Too hot, too muggy, too much sun in her face, too small a place, too this, to that. But finally, she agreed. The bar was completely empty, so it wasn't difficult to convince the bartender to let her play for 5 minutes since no one was there. And in those 5 minutes, she managed to fill the entire freaking place. With the entire crowd around her requesting one song after the next, 5 minutes turned into 25, until she refused to keep on playing in the heat with sweat running down her face. And during those 25 minutes, the entirety of her insanity became completely irrelevant, making this entire trip completely worth it.

***She says she has no idea what she sounds like playing. Because the only thing that she can concentrate on, is on which finger goes where after the stroke of each key.

Rates of vibration.

June 12, 2010

I have allowed myself to experience emotions. Now in this process of evolution, I will raise my frequencies until I become starlight.

It was when you needed me the most, that I failed you- and myself.

May 17, 2010

My current perception of "now", leaves me feeling unable to forgive myself for failing you. The knowledge and skill needed were present in order to influence a different outcome, but instead, I allowed myself to drown in a sea of confusion caused by emotions. Through the noise created by the overwhelming sense of despair, neither quantum nor entanglement could pierce through the threshold of superpositions that were one by one, collapsing into their ultimate state of doom.

Levels of dreaming.

May 16, 2010

In Quantum and Chaos, searching for a way to reconstruct my interpretation of reality.

Silly girl.

April 29, 2010

I got lost for a moment and deluded myself into thinking that maybe I also, could indulge in experiencing a sense of comfort within the dream. But in reality, that was not intended as the purpose of my existence. I'll play my role here until my time is up, in helping others reach towards their higher potential. Eventually, the moment will come in which I'll fade back into the greater consciousness of all that is.

There's no place like home.

April 28, 2010

Lately I feel like I'm just dragging myself through life. I feel tired as I lose more and more interest everyday. But I keep reminding myself that one day, it will all inevitably end anyway. For myself, for this world, for all of our illusions. So I might as well just experience this while it lasts, during the time that has been allotted for my consciousness to exist in its present form. It's all ephemeral, in the grander scheme of things.

Still...

I feel like I just want to go home, except that I don't even know where home is.

The strong people.

April 18, 2010

"You are the strongest person I know."
"If there's anyone who can handle a situation like this, I know that you can."
"You will come out of this even stronger, just like you always do".
"You will channel it into artistic expression."

Even from those whom I have been acquainted with for years, these are the comments I get, over and over again.

This is precisely one of the reasons why I miss kitten so much. Even though he considered me to be an incredibly "strong" person, he never relied on my "strength" to assert for my eventual well-being. He actually treated me like someone that needed caring for, concern for, and emotional support, which he always readily gave to me.

Everyone else? Well, they all know I'll just eventually be "okay". It's what's expected of me.

Of love, loss, and neon.

March 22, 2010

It's been over a month, and I'm still hiding under the table (retarded thing I do, as if somehow I could hide from the world there), except there is no kitten to tell me he will hide under the table with me and that we can throw everything we don't like out from under the table.

It's been over a month and I'm still crying to and from work every day, and any time my boss leaves for lunch.

Like a fool, I have fallen into the habit of talking to myself, as if he were there, sitting next to me. Over a month, and I'm still crying myself to sleep. I manage to sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up, cry some more, try to sleep again, next thing I know it's morning and it's time for me to go to work again. Sleeping schedule is a mess, eating habits have been a mess, my motivation has been non-existent.

I'm not just sad for the loss, but for everything that would have been and didn't get to be. For the million and one presents I had already picked out for him for every upcoming occasion. For everything we wanted to do and see together that won't happen. For the fact that he was exactly the person that I needed in my life, but because I am completely emotionally incompetent, didn't even get to tell him that I loved him.

My boss reminded me to start working on everything that needs to be ready for next month's Microsoft Convergence in Atlanta. I had completely forgotten about the damn Convergence in Atlanta as the last time I had talked about it, was when I had excitedly told kitten that we had signed up to be exhibitors and that I would get to visit him in April. “So far away…” he said =(

The release date for my next album is already set for next month, April 15th (it was supposed to be for the beginning of this month, but well, clearly I haven't been able to get myself sufficiently together in time to make that happen). Thanks to Amazon already listing it as available for pre-order, now I kind of just have to stick to getting everything ready in time to make it happen. Except that as much work as I've put into this for over the past year pouring my heart and soul into it, my heart's not in it at the moment. I don't even want to breathe right now, let alone have to be enthused about promoting a new album when I just feel like the one chance at happiness that I may have had in life, just slipped through my fingers, so unnecessarily.

I mean when two people decide that things aren't working out and they want to part with each other, it's one thing, it has to be accepted, respected as a mutual decision, or even if it's just from one person's behalf. But this? How can I come to terms with this when it's not what either of us would have wanted? I was the one always bringing up cyanide, for MYSELF. kitten was always the one to remind me that the world needed someone like me in it. HE wasn't the one that was supposed to go.

I had all the artwork for the album completed and submitted before kitten went into the hospital. He had already heard all the songs, I had already sent him the cover as a preview. He asked to see the rest of it, I refused to show him. I wanted him to have something that he could touch and feel as a finished product once the copies were printed, instead of just sending him some JPG file. He never got to see the finished product.

I thought of all sorts of stupid possible problems, because that's just how I am, I have to analyze things and think about how things would work out into the future, even if it's nowhere near that point. I thought I would be allergic to his cats (I'm allergic to the majority of cats). He told me that was a genuine concern, but that we could worry about that when we actually got to that point. It turned out I wasn't even allergic to them. That, and a million other little things which all would have worked out.

I'm admittedly driving myself crazy with this. Replaying every moment, every conversation we had in my mind like a broken record. How maybe it was all somewhat selfish as I felt that the reason we got along so well was because we were so much alike in so many ways. For once, I found someone who complained about the world almost as much as I do. For once, someone didn't think I was complaining but actually understood the reasons behind my discontentment with everything. For once, I found someone whom I was genuinely interested in, and who was genuinely caring towards me.

I'm broken. I've always been broken. It wasn't kitten's job to fix this, but he always offered to help. I didn't expect someone to come along and make everything better, but kitten was someone whom I could honestly express my feelings to, without taboos about any subjects, someone to share happy news with, and someone to also offer support and comfort when everything was falling apart.

Now everything is falling apart. I'm falling apart. And there is no kitten to care, no kitten to try to help, no kitten to send me little songs about space to cheer me up.

I know this is irreversible. I know the sooner I get myself to accept that, the better it will be for me. But at the same time, I know how ridiculously thick headed and stubborn I can be, even when having to accept the only reality that is left to be accepted.

When I was 14, I decided I hated everything so much, that I stopped talking. I stopped talking to everyone, including parents, teachers, classmates, everyone, for 2 entire years. For 2 years straight, every week, my classmates would come up to me, try to talk to me, invite me to go out with them. For 2 years, I stared right through them as they were talking to me, as if they did not exist.

I've gone through some rather “dark” times before. I've had quite a share of tragedies in my life. But this, this is the saddest I’ve ever been. And that, is saying a lot.

Suffering: the underlying program in the system which triggers the motivation for survival in living beings.

March 8, 2010

Most of the actions taken by living beings are inherently directed towards avoiding suffering in one way or another. Plants grow towards the direction of sunlight in order to be able to acquire the nutrients they need, and hence avoid "suffering". Animals (including humans) instinctively eat in order to avoid hunger, as hunger equals suffering. The desire to avoid suffering can be traced back to the motivating factor behind most of the main patterns in the behavior of living beings. Although we may consciously choose to develop ourselves and follow our paths within the ideals that we may think we have established for ourselves, subconsciously, this seems to be the program which serves as the driving force behind our actions- the desire to avoid suffering.

Someone shut off the Universe, please.

February 21, 2010

June 1, 2009

(9:43:28 PM) < kitten>: Mm. I hope your dreams find a better mood for you.
(9:44:14 PM) < FD>: the dreams will still be part of this universe. and that's the whole point. enough of this universe already. i want someone to shut it off.
(9:44:40 PM) < kitten>: What's wrong?
(9:45:08 PM) < FD>: this whole accident of creation. that's what's wrong.
(9:45:32 PM) < FD>: problem is, i can't just shut off my own consciousness. because existence would still be.
(9:45:40 PM) < FD>: and i just don't want anything to be.
(9:45:57 PM) < kitten>: In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
(9:47:34 PM) < kitten>: Can I help?
(9:47:37 PM) < FD>: there's just no escaping it. and it's like everything forces us to continuously be off balance. because as long as we are off balance, then we are moving towards trying to reach balance. so that is movement. otherwise there would just be stagnation.
(9:48:20 PM) < kitten>: And which is preferable?
(9:48:24 PM) < FD>: well, your existence does make the world a tiny bit better, so i guess that's help.
(9:48:56 PM) < kitten>: That might be among the nicest things I've heard.
(9:49:15 PM) < kitten>: But I meant, maybe, in some more specific way.
(9:49:38 PM) < FD>: i don't know. the fact that i have consciousness already means that that was the choice that was made. so it can't go back to zero at any time, because i already exist.
(9:51:08 PM) < FD>: well, i guess you can specifically help by being a happy kitten. somehow that will make things better, i'm sure.
(9:51:39 PM) < kitten>: I don't see how that has anything to do with anything, but I'll see what I can do.
(9:51:50 PM) < kitten>: At least I can make happy songs, or something.
(9:52:05 PM) < FD>: .
(9:52:14 PM) < FD>: i hate songs.
(9:52:28 PM) < FD>: they are a disease for me, kitten.
(9:52:50 PM) < kitten>: I could.. stop making songs?
(9:52:57 PM) < FD>: i don't make them because i want to plan out a song, i make them because it's the only way to satisfy the mathematical deficiencies in me.
(9:53:32 PM) < kitten>: Mathematical.
(9:53:39 PM) < FD>: yes.
(9:53:46 PM) < FD>: that's why i can't follow song structures.
(9:54:06 PM) < FD>: i can't plan out a song. it just has to fit whatever is broken in my patterns, whatever is missing.
(9:54:38 PM) < FD>: everything in the end, is mathematical.
(9:54:50 PM) < FD>: if it's not expressed in one way, it's expressed in another
(9:55:12 PM) < FD>: and i'm just a whole bunch of twisted equations
(9:55:42 PM) < kitten>: So are fractals, and they turn out beautiful.
(9:56:11 PM) < FD>: but see... what happens when i want to plan out a release? all the time it takes to do that, leaves me with no time to make new music
(9:56:29 PM) < FD>: and if i'm not making new music, i'm slowly falling apart
(9:57:30 PM) < kitten>: I don't have a good answer for that.
(10:04:35 PM) < FD>: someone shut off the universe, please.
(10:05:17 PM) < kitten>: Then you'd just be floating in a vast, cold void.
(10:06:18 PM) < FD>: i would not be floating. there would be nothing floating.
(10:07:17 PM) < kitten>: You'd be in a void anyway. :/
(10:07:29 PM) < kitten>: That thought does not appeal to me.
(10:07:33 PM) < FD>: i would not "be".
(10:07:47 PM) < FD>: nothing would.
(10:08:15 PM) < FD>: all these colors and swirls and temperatures and measures
(10:08:23 PM) < FD>: i hate all of it right now. all of it.
(10:08:46 PM) < kitten>: mmf.
(10:09:54 PM) < kitten>: I don't think the universe is going anywhere. It's here. And it needs someone like you in it.
(10:10:05 PM) < FD>: =/
(10:25:40 PM) < kitten>: I am a doctor. I am a taxi driver. I am an electrician.
(10:26:10 PM) < FD>: but society forces you to do that.
(10:26:18 PM) < FD>: like they expect you to be "something"
(10:26:25 PM) < FD>: in order to measure your worth.
(10:26:48 PM) < FD>: i am consiousness at a very limited level
(10:27:13 PM) < kitten>: I guess. And you see it straining to get out, sometimes.
(10:27:25 PM) < kitten>: Why they buy those little paint by number statues. The latch-hook kits.
(10:27:36 PM) < kitten>: Something to make them feel creative in a world where they've forgotten how.
(10:28:23 PM) < FD>: i want to know how to fix it.
(10:30:11 PM) < kitten>: What should change?

Number to nowhere.

February 20, 2010

Last night was the first night in which my dreams recognized your absence rather than your presence. I kept trying to send you a text message telling you that I missed you, but the phone number was wrong and the message would not go through.

May the Universe unfold as it should.

February 16, 2010

In the grander scheme of things, our individual state of being is irrelevant. The Universe will unfold as it should regardless.

Happy Valentine's Day, Miss FD.

February 14, 2010

I woke up at 5:23 AM, unable to stop crying. The anxiety was overwhelming. They promised to let me know as soon as it was okay for me to go out there again. I tried to force myself back to sleep.

7:01 AM - Phone rings. And my phone ringing at 7:01 AM on a Sunday morning, made my heart instantly fill with a sense of despair.

"I'm sorry, but it's not looking so good. I'm really sorry."

Get up. Shower. Get dressed. Stuff random anything clothes into bag. Drive to the the airport. Stand in line. Go through security check. Keep eyes low, don't want to look at anyone. Break down crying when the inspections officer tells me to cheer up as it's Valentine's day. Get on plane, get off plane, grab a cab, send text message to ask what room to go to at the hospital.

Nothing left to see. The body was already taken for organ donation. You can just head straight to his place to spend the night there.

I didn't even get to see him one last time.

Emotionally incompetent.

February 13, 2010

I've always been an emotionally incompetent idiot. Unfortunately, it takes quite drastic circumstances for me to even be able to realize what "emotions" I may possibly feel about anything. And well, needless to say, this situation is quite drastic.

I miss you more than anything.

Jumping through the black holes of the Universe.

February 4, 2010

I want to tell you, that I don't want you to leave me here alone. But this isn't about me. I wish for whichever outcome is best for the journey of your soul.

I only hope that even through this darkness I can find and comfort you, just like the so many times you found and saved me before.

I am part of the all that is.

February 1, 2010

I refuse to be a mere bystander, observing a world following motions of its own. I have to trust that if the Universe unfolds its signs to me in ways which I can interpret, that these signs can be more to me than simple warnings of inevitable resignations. Although I may not know precisely what my part may actually play out to be in the grander scheme of things, or how I may or may not affect the outcome of a specific situation, I choose to at least move the pieces that are within my reach with my best intent, to play my part in the story of the Universe unfolding with greater meaning.