Monsters in the Industry turned 15 this year!

July 18, 2025

Monsters in the Industry (MITI) turned 15 this year!

I've been so focused over the past few months on getting everything ready for my new EP release (I'll be releasing it next month!), that I completely forgot to commemorate MITI's 15-year anniversary.

I'm so incredibly grateful that 15 years later, I'm still working on and releasing new music. Thank you to all of you who have been listening to and supporting my music through all these years.

And if you just recently discovered my music, thank you for being here.

Monsters in the Industry was my fist studio album I released as Miss FD. Many of you may remember MITI from my song "Enter the Void".

I released Monsters in the Industry in April of 2010 during a huge life transition, both music career-wise and personal life. It's incredible to be able to look back and realize how much life has changed, yet I'm eternally grateful that my spark, inspiration, and enthusiasm for creating new music has remained the same.

The first 3 songs in the album were cheeky commentary on the horrors I experienced in the music industry. I wrote these songs as a form of personal release from quite literally, a monster in the industry, followed by a journey of wandering into new territory (back then it wasn't as common for music artists to go independent), everything feeling like I was completely thrown off course, but then reminding myself of my own strength and personal purpose, and allowing myself to be guided by trust and intuition to continue forward in my path.

From The Fool to The Magician.

MONSTERS IN THE INDUSTRY

Tracklist:

01. Break Your Control
02. Disgrace
03. Monsters in the Industry
04. Wanderer
05. Elements Off Time
06. Rebel Apprentice
07. Dream Door
08. Enter the Void
09. Realigned
10. Thunder in the Blood
11. When the Sun Sets




Everything's about to become even more amazing, I'm so excited to get to share with you my new EP next month. And yes, I'll be releasing it next month! I know I've been talking about this new EP for a while now, but everything's finally all set in place. I'll be announcing the exact date next week!

Until the veils wear thin.

October 7, 2010

I'm the only one who knows this story. Goodnights whispered into empty nights. I'm the one who suffers it, the one who loves it. Because if it weren't this sad, it wouldn't be this beautiful. It's like the tales they tell you, of flowers that wilt before they bloom. Except that in this version, the story teller is silently internalizing the whole plot. And looking out from within, while turning deeper inward still. Into the places they all write about and glorify in pieces of literature. Off to the places otherwise unrecognized unless one is falling into them, until the secrets are spelled out in words and ink. And even then, still, mostly they entirely miss it. Not many left who still read in between the lines. It's another one of her abstractions, they'll say. This is yet another moment which she chooses to be detached from, they'll conclude. Not detached. This isn't detached. This is immersed to the deepest level, to an almost relative absolute. These are the tides beneath the layer of serenity, these are the fires that burn underneath the skin. This is the chaos, and torment, and trapped condition of longing, silenced only by the glamouries worn, until the veils wear thin.

Fires on the Shore - Live at Triton Festival NY.

September 20, 2010

Northborn remix of "Fires on the Shore", live at Triton Festival with END: the DJ, Clint Carney of System Syn, and Miss FD.



The "Fires On The Shore" EP was produced and arranged by END: the DJ featuring the title track with vocals by Assemblage 23, UBERBYTE, System Syn, and Miss FD, with music by Souless Affection.

Alternative versions will be on the EP by Northborne, Shiv-r, Angels On Acid, Nolongerhuman and Erektor.

"Fires on the Shore" will be released through Nilaihah Records later this year as a benefit EP, with proceeds from the release going towards donations to help the Waterkeeper Alliance's Gulf Shore volunteers in their efforts to help save the Gulf, from helping to purchase protective gear and clean-up supplies, to emergency office space and food for disaster-response volunteers. More information about them and further donations can be made at http://www.saveourgulf.org

The broken tower.

September 19, 2010

Deprived of oxygen, light-speed resuscitations, and ether, something inside has vanished. Something inside is gone.

Despite the self induced state of isolation, alone had never been equivalent to lonely. Always the observer on the outside. Always that detached sense of perspective. The dreamer of the dream, but not the dreamer in the dream.

Feel the wind brush through my hair, trace my eyebrows and my cheeks. Watch the mortals pass, observe as they indulge in their own diversions. See the traps they set up for themselves and fall right into while forgetting they were the ones to set them there to begin with.

High tower, my looking place, no one looking back. It's simply what it was.

That- was before. Now- something's lost. That deeper "sense of" is broken, and no matter what the actual outcome may turn out to be, it's only gray tainted days that seem to stretch out forever into the future.

One event takes place after the other, moving time along with sunsets, sunrises, and moments of twilight marking the pace. But somehow, the scenes are distorted, the surroundings are distant, and the person behind the experiences isn't even observing on the surface.

It was- that fatal moment in which I realized that an unexpected connection had been formed, that an unprecedented sense of security took over. Suddenly it wasn't just alone. It was someone else on the same side, looking out into the world with me. It was someone else that had been looking out into the world with me since always, except that now, we were looking out into the world together, despite the 650 miles of distance between us.

And then, snatched. Stolen by fate, and time.

That sense of security was shattered, broken into a million pieces that scattered irreversibly throughout the time continuum, and replaced by the deepest sense of loss.

I can hope. I can always hope that even if it's not the same type of connection, that another connection can be made. But somehow, it seems more likely that such a fate will never come true. Eons of neon before, eons of neon after, the ephemeral light that burned out as quickly as it struck like lightning bolts, is now only a silent memory etched out on soul and skin.

-----------

Now I try. To transform. The experience into output.

I'm holding on to a focal point: the next release. It's as if I somehow expect for each release to bring an imminent life change. As if I can manage to get some of this out of me into the out there, that somehow the release will transcend into some manner of transformation. But after the next release? Unknown, unplanned, void of desire or projections. Yet… I feel like the output of this next release is not proportional to the level of broken. There's no masterpiece here, no grand finale with which I could proudly wave adieu with. Just an injustice- an exponential failure at the quality of expression that should have been projected from the input of suffering. But it's not Alchemy, or chemical reactions. And maybe, the only thing I've excelled at throughout this has been at finding new ways of adding more shades of tragedy into my spectrum.

The missing elements.

September 18, 2010

The moon just told me a (make believe?) story. Although I'm quite aware that it sounds like a story being told by a lunatic, here's my recollection of the tale.

Once upon a time... there was this planet which hadn't been named Earth yet. But it just was.

Now it's important to know, that all living beings in a planet by default, absorb all the properties of that planet (being exposed to the chemical compositions, elements, etc.).

One day, a giant meteor hit the planet that was yet to be named Earth, and a giant chunk of the planet flew out into space, to become the satellite which we now call our Moon.

But see, that chunk of Moon has all these elements and properties which the living beings of the Earth need also, as these were in fact, originally part of the Earth. Except that now all of these elements and properties are so many miles away.

So now, when the sunlight bounces off of the Moon, it picks up little pieces of essence from all these elements we are missing and brings them back to us in packets of moonlight.

The body and psyche naturally absorb the packets of light that are at any time most abundant. And as most of the inhabitants of the Earth are out during the day, they most quickly absorb the packets of light beaming directly from the Sun.

So it is the “mystics” who expose themselves directly to the full Moon’s light who absorb the highest concentration of moonlight, and therefore also absorb the light that is infused with all these elements we are missing that were once part of the Earth.

That is why it is the mystics who are wisest. They’ve absorbed the missing elements.

Oh, you little cupcake.

September 15, 2010

September 17th update: I have attempted to recreate a live version of the drawing.

Storms are brewing.

September 14, 2010

The lights keep going off and on, due to the storm outside. Simultaneously, the lights keep going on and off, due to the storm inside.

Fires on the Shore with Northborne at Triton

September 12, 2010

Triton weekend in NY was awesome. Met many wonderful people and had an amazing time overall. It's really great that the organizers/promoters of this event put in all the effort for us to have a festival like this in the US.

From the upcoming Fires on the Shore benefit EP, we did a unique live performance at Triton with Northborne, END: The DJ, and Clint of System Syn:















I got to host a few interviews for Noisescape TV with Nikki Telladictorian of Prometheus Burning:





And had the best traveling partner ever, who was responsible for breaking a lot of random things on stage during Terrorfakt NYC's set:

Friday the 13th at Blacklist Bham.

August 19, 2010

Had an absolutely fantastic time this past weekend playing @Blacklist Bham with END: the DJ & DJ MAELSTROM, and Static23 joining me on keys.

The crowd was incredibly supportive, which always makes the shows a lot more fun & our hosts/promoters for the show were absolutely awesome (I've been craving a breakfast smoothie all week!).

A few photos from the night, courtesy of Secret Playground.

Miss FD interview featured on Darkside Radio.

August 16, 2010

Miss FD interview featured on Darkside Radio.

August - SATURDAY 28TH - Live in Salem, MA

August 16, 2010

DARQ Salem with END: THE DJ and Miss FD

Saturday, August 28, 2010
$10 - Doors at 9:30pm

Bangkok Paradise

90 Washington Street
Salem, MA

Far fetched.

August 7, 2010

I want to talk about mental constructs and how our minds put together stories, from a whole bunch of different pieces- random events which we connect to one another in order to make one consistent version of what we interpret to be reality. I want to talk about how I've been having these far fetched notions that although all of the different scenes and episodes of recent events would logically be pieced together to form one congruent storyline of what may have happened, that in reality, all I have are just the memories of isolated events, which by themselves, could not validate the perceived outcome. I want to talk about it and I want to tell you- that I'm starting to have doubts, that I'm starting to question if in reality, this was all somehow a master plan to disguise an alternate escape route. I want to tell you and I want to ask you for some manner of confirmation, but for the sake of sanity, I keep dismissing these notions as nothing more than: far fetched.

Beyond corporate slavery.

August 7, 2010

There are people out there, walking through cities. Savoring the world, not worrying about Monday mornings. Losing themselves within their thoughts, while watching foreign cities pass by through the windows of trains and buses.

Behind the walls.

August 3, 2010

Feeling like an addict.

July 21, 2010

I'm riding on every next song to push me forward, needing to see each one through until completion. In this case, it's the next "record" (of my audio diaries), really. But once the next episode has been coded, documented, and released, what will keep me pushing forward then?

"Far away" is relative.

July 21, 2010

It's not about physical distance. It's about our connections and the levels of our connections.

And I'm usually- a million miles from here.

August - FRIDAY THE 13TH - Live in Birmingham

July 13, 2010

BLACKLIST with MISS FD, END: THE DJ and DJ MÄELSTRÖM

Friday, August 13, 2010
$10 - Doors at 9:00pm

The High Note Lounge

414 Richard Arrington Jr Blvd S
Birmingham, AL

More details on the Facebook Event page.

The Creation Chamber by Anguisette

July 12, 2010

Seven years in the making, "The Creation Chamber" is Anguisette's debut release, an ethereal collection of songs by electric violinist Jyri Glynn, featuring the vocal talents of such noteworthy underground artists as Severina Sol (Fockewolfe/ Cylab), Emileigh Rohn (Chiasm), Jaymie Valentine (Cindergarden), Dawn Wood (Elektronika), Melody Bleak (Bleak Track/Blackpool), and Miss FD.

Miss FD vocals are featured in the song RESET, with lyrics written by Andrew Zebrowitz.

Available from Anguisette's cdbaby shop.

Reality for the hopeless romantic.

July 7, 2010

You spend a lifetime claiming not to want, but internally, secretly hoping and hoping. Until the hope turns into almost, the almost turns into lost, and the lost becomes the instead of a happily ever after.

It was man who created God in his image.

July 5, 2010

The day will come in which the people of the world will realize that thinking that "God created man in his image" was as ignorant and self centered as when the majority of the population was led to believe that it was the earth that was the center of our solar system.

"If you only get to do one thing with her when you see her, ask her to play the piano for you", is what he said to me.

June 26, 2010

It was a mission to find a single piano in all of Willemstad today. And although it was made to look like a grand piano, it was actually an electronic piano. So of course, she refused to play it. She would not "degrade herself" to that. 5 minutes, I asked her for. Just 5 minutes. Too hot, too muggy, too much sun in her face, too small a place, too this, to that. But finally, she agreed. The bar was completely empty, so it wasn't difficult to convince the bartender to let her play for 5 minutes since no one was there. And in those 5 minutes, she managed to fill the entire freaking place. With the entire crowd around her requesting one song after the next, 5 minutes turned into 25, until she refused to keep on playing in the heat with sweat running down her face. And during those 25 minutes, the entirety of her insanity became completely irrelevant, making this entire trip completely worth it.

***She says she has no idea what she sounds like playing. Because the only thing that she can concentrate on, is on which finger goes where after the stroke of each key.

Enter the Void featured on FEARnet

June 16, 2010

The music video for Enter the Void was featured on FEARnet =D

Fan art!

June 16, 2010

Miss FD sketches by Lyam =)

Back in the day.

June 15, 2010

Before the days of Photoshop. Days in which we still believed in dreams, before life started to take its toll on us.

Photos by RickLSD.

MITI reviewed on Side-Line Magazine

June 12, 2010

Killer review of Monsters in the Industry posted on industrial music magazine Side-Line !

8 out of 10 ;)

Rates of vibration.

June 12, 2010

I have allowed myself to experience emotions. Now in this process of evolution, I will raise my frequencies until I become starlight.

MITI reviewed on DarkRoom Magazine

June 11, 2010

Monsters in the Industry reviewed by Italian webzine DarkRoom Magazine.

7 out of 10! ;)

Another session.

June 1, 2010

My studio sessions are turning out to be incredibly therapeutic. The new material is turning out to be a real step up from anything else I've done before. However, at this moment in time, I would like to request the following-


Dear Universe,

Although I am grateful for having this incredibly powerful form of release for myself when circumstances are dire, I would like for the progress and evolution of my musical expressions not to be dependent on absolutely monstrous events taking place in my life anymore. I would like to be able to keep on reaching higher levels of accomplishment through my art without needing to keep on going through horrible experiences in order to reach these.

I promise to keep on finding inspiration to create my pieces, but from now on I would like to be inspired by a turn of events in my life towards a happier and more peaceful state of being.


Truly,

-FD!

Back to the studio.

May 30, 2010

In terms of emotional release, Friday's studio session was like therapy.

New Photos by Blast Em Photography.

May 29, 2010

New photos from the latest set with the girls from Blast Em Photography have been added to the images section.

Monsters in the Industry featured on FEARnet!

May 21, 2010

This isn't just an album review, it's an in-depth article / interview which includes quite a lot of insight into Monsters in the Industry. And it totally made my day!

Miss FD feature article on FEARnet.

Monsters in the Industry - Downloads vs. Physical CDs?

May 20, 2010

Yes, yes. It's certainly a lot easier to just download music. Saves space, makes the music easily accessible from your various devices, and best of all, no scratched up CDs.

If that's how you rather have your music, Monsters in the Industry is available through:

iTunes, Amazon MP3, and other digital media outlets.

But...

I know that some of you still appreciate being able to look through the artwork, being able to read all of the lyrics, and being able to grasp in more depth the concepts behind the album. If at this point you're totally raising your hand and yelling "That's me!", then I would definitely encourage you to get the physical copy of Monsters in the Industry. It's a pretty neat digipack, so you won't end up with broken jewel cases, the lyrics are printed right on the panels of the digipack, and the artwork for this album has a lot a meaning poured into it.

And hey, maybe some day, you'll be able to tell your grand-kids: "Back in MY day, we used to have these things called CDs..." At which point of course, you'll pull out your handy dandy copy of Monsters in the Industry for demonstration purposes =p

Okay, I'll stop rambling now.

If you want the physical CD, it's available from:

AMAZON.com

And of course, from the shop in my very own website:

Miss FD's Shop

MITI Reviewed on the Broward New Times

May 20, 2010

Monsters in the Industry reviewed in The Broward New Times.

MITI reviewed on Terrorverlag

May 19, 2010

Awesome review of Monsters in the Industry posted today in German Alternative Music Webzine: Terrorverlag!

It was when you needed me the most, that I failed you- and myself.

May 17, 2010

My current perception of "now", leaves me feeling unable to forgive myself for failing you. The knowledge and skill needed were present in order to influence a different outcome, but instead, I allowed myself to drown in a sea of confusion caused by emotions. Through the noise created by the overwhelming sense of despair, neither quantum nor entanglement could pierce through the threshold of superpositions that were one by one, collapsing into their ultimate state of doom.

Levels of dreaming.

May 16, 2010

In Quantum and Chaos, searching for a way to reconstruct my interpretation of reality.

MITI reviewed on Gootti

May 3, 2010

Monsters in the Industry comparable to Lady Gaga and Britney Spears? Uh-oh! Finnish website Gootti seems to think so!

Still, 3 out of 5! ;)

Silly girl.

April 29, 2010

I got lost for a moment and deluded myself into thinking that maybe I also, could indulge in experiencing a sense of comfort within the dream. But in reality, that was not intended as the purpose of my existence. I'll play my role here until my time is up, in helping others reach towards their higher potential. Eventually, the moment will come in which I'll fade back into the greater consciousness of all that is.

There's no place like home.

April 28, 2010

Lately I feel like I'm just dragging myself through life. I feel tired as I lose more and more interest everyday. But I keep reminding myself that one day, it will all inevitably end anyway. For myself, for this world, for all of our illusions. So I might as well just experience this while it lasts, during the time that has been allotted for my consciousness to exist in its present form. It's all ephemeral, in the grander scheme of things.

Still...

I feel like I just want to go home, except that I don't even know where home is.

MITI reviewed on Brutal Resonance

April 28, 2010

Monsters in the Industry was reviewed on Brutal Resonance. This is the first MITI review posted, so it's actually quite exciting. 8 out of 10!

The strong people.

April 18, 2010

"You are the strongest person I know."
"If there's anyone who can handle a situation like this, I know that you can."
"You will come out of this even stronger, just like you always do".
"You will channel it into artistic expression."

Even from those whom I have been acquainted with for years, these are the comments I get, over and over again.

This is precisely one of the reasons why I miss kitten so much. Even though he considered me to be an incredibly "strong" person, he never relied on my "strength" to assert for my eventual well-being. He actually treated me like someone that needed caring for, concern for, and emotional support, which he always readily gave to me.

Everyone else? Well, they all know I'll just eventually be "okay". It's what's expected of me.

Force.Is.Machine / Aetrix

April 6, 2010

It seems like this year keeps getting darker and darker, without its brightest stars shining to light the way.

Another grave loss this year, friend and mastermind of Force.Is.Machine and Aetrix Stefan (Voytek den Ouden) passed away last week after being hit by a car.

His music was absolutely brilliant. His songs have been a source of motivation for me and have helped me during many dark times.

May his music and memory remain with us and serve as a source of inspiration to many:

Force.Is.Machine.

Aetrix.

Of love, loss, and neon.

March 22, 2010

It's been over a month, and I'm still hiding under the table (retarded thing I do, as if somehow I could hide from the world there), except there is no kitten to tell me he will hide under the table with me and that we can throw everything we don't like out from under the table.

It's been over a month and I'm still crying to and from work every day, and any time my boss leaves for lunch.

Like a fool, I have fallen into the habit of talking to myself, as if he were there, sitting next to me. Over a month, and I'm still crying myself to sleep. I manage to sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up, cry some more, try to sleep again, next thing I know it's morning and it's time for me to go to work again. Sleeping schedule is a mess, eating habits have been a mess, my motivation has been non-existent.

I'm not just sad for the loss, but for everything that would have been and didn't get to be. For the million and one presents I had already picked out for him for every upcoming occasion. For everything we wanted to do and see together that won't happen. For the fact that he was exactly the person that I needed in my life, but because I am completely emotionally incompetent, didn't even get to tell him that I loved him.

My boss reminded me to start working on everything that needs to be ready for next month's Microsoft Convergence in Atlanta. I had completely forgotten about the damn Convergence in Atlanta as the last time I had talked about it, was when I had excitedly told kitten that we had signed up to be exhibitors and that I would get to visit him in April. “So far away…” he said =(

The release date for my next album is already set for next month, April 15th (it was supposed to be for the beginning of this month, but well, clearly I haven't been able to get myself sufficiently together in time to make that happen). Thanks to Amazon already listing it as available for pre-order, now I kind of just have to stick to getting everything ready in time to make it happen. Except that as much work as I've put into this for over the past year pouring my heart and soul into it, my heart's not in it at the moment. I don't even want to breathe right now, let alone have to be enthused about promoting a new album when I just feel like the one chance at happiness that I may have had in life, just slipped through my fingers, so unnecessarily.

I mean when two people decide that things aren't working out and they want to part with each other, it's one thing, it has to be accepted, respected as a mutual decision, or even if it's just from one person's behalf. But this? How can I come to terms with this when it's not what either of us would have wanted? I was the one always bringing up cyanide, for MYSELF. kitten was always the one to remind me that the world needed someone like me in it. HE wasn't the one that was supposed to go.

I had all the artwork for the album completed and submitted before kitten went into the hospital. He had already heard all the songs, I had already sent him the cover as a preview. He asked to see the rest of it, I refused to show him. I wanted him to have something that he could touch and feel as a finished product once the copies were printed, instead of just sending him some JPG file. He never got to see the finished product.

I thought of all sorts of stupid possible problems, because that's just how I am, I have to analyze things and think about how things would work out into the future, even if it's nowhere near that point. I thought I would be allergic to his cats (I'm allergic to the majority of cats). He told me that was a genuine concern, but that we could worry about that when we actually got to that point. It turned out I wasn't even allergic to them. That, and a million other little things which all would have worked out.

I'm admittedly driving myself crazy with this. Replaying every moment, every conversation we had in my mind like a broken record. How maybe it was all somewhat selfish as I felt that the reason we got along so well was because we were so much alike in so many ways. For once, I found someone who complained about the world almost as much as I do. For once, someone didn't think I was complaining but actually understood the reasons behind my discontentment with everything. For once, I found someone whom I was genuinely interested in, and who was genuinely caring towards me.

I'm broken. I've always been broken. It wasn't kitten's job to fix this, but he always offered to help. I didn't expect someone to come along and make everything better, but kitten was someone whom I could honestly express my feelings to, without taboos about any subjects, someone to share happy news with, and someone to also offer support and comfort when everything was falling apart.

Now everything is falling apart. I'm falling apart. And there is no kitten to care, no kitten to try to help, no kitten to send me little songs about space to cheer me up.

I know this is irreversible. I know the sooner I get myself to accept that, the better it will be for me. But at the same time, I know how ridiculously thick headed and stubborn I can be, even when having to accept the only reality that is left to be accepted.

When I was 14, I decided I hated everything so much, that I stopped talking. I stopped talking to everyone, including parents, teachers, classmates, everyone, for 2 entire years. For 2 years straight, every week, my classmates would come up to me, try to talk to me, invite me to go out with them. For 2 years, I stared right through them as they were talking to me, as if they did not exist.

I've gone through some rather “dark” times before. I've had quite a share of tragedies in my life. But this, this is the saddest I’ve ever been. And that, is saying a lot.

Suffering: the underlying program in the system which triggers the motivation for survival in living beings.

March 8, 2010

Most of the actions taken by living beings are inherently directed towards avoiding suffering in one way or another. Plants grow towards the direction of sunlight in order to be able to acquire the nutrients they need, and hence avoid "suffering". Animals (including humans) instinctively eat in order to avoid hunger, as hunger equals suffering. The desire to avoid suffering can be traced back to the motivating factor behind most of the main patterns in the behavior of living beings. Although we may consciously choose to develop ourselves and follow our paths within the ideals that we may think we have established for ourselves, subconsciously, this seems to be the program which serves as the driving force behind our actions- the desire to avoid suffering.

Someone shut off the Universe, please.

February 21, 2010

June 1, 2009

(9:43:28 PM) < kitten>: Mm. I hope your dreams find a better mood for you.
(9:44:14 PM) < FD>: the dreams will still be part of this universe. and that's the whole point. enough of this universe already. i want someone to shut it off.
(9:44:40 PM) < kitten>: What's wrong?
(9:45:08 PM) < FD>: this whole accident of creation. that's what's wrong.
(9:45:32 PM) < FD>: problem is, i can't just shut off my own consciousness. because existence would still be.
(9:45:40 PM) < FD>: and i just don't want anything to be.
(9:45:57 PM) < kitten>: In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
(9:47:34 PM) < kitten>: Can I help?
(9:47:37 PM) < FD>: there's just no escaping it. and it's like everything forces us to continuously be off balance. because as long as we are off balance, then we are moving towards trying to reach balance. so that is movement. otherwise there would just be stagnation.
(9:48:20 PM) < kitten>: And which is preferable?
(9:48:24 PM) < FD>: well, your existence does make the world a tiny bit better, so i guess that's help.
(9:48:56 PM) < kitten>: That might be among the nicest things I've heard.
(9:49:15 PM) < kitten>: But I meant, maybe, in some more specific way.
(9:49:38 PM) < FD>: i don't know. the fact that i have consciousness already means that that was the choice that was made. so it can't go back to zero at any time, because i already exist.
(9:51:08 PM) < FD>: well, i guess you can specifically help by being a happy kitten. somehow that will make things better, i'm sure.
(9:51:39 PM) < kitten>: I don't see how that has anything to do with anything, but I'll see what I can do.
(9:51:50 PM) < kitten>: At least I can make happy songs, or something.
(9:52:05 PM) < FD>: .
(9:52:14 PM) < FD>: i hate songs.
(9:52:28 PM) < FD>: they are a disease for me, kitten.
(9:52:50 PM) < kitten>: I could.. stop making songs?
(9:52:57 PM) < FD>: i don't make them because i want to plan out a song, i make them because it's the only way to satisfy the mathematical deficiencies in me.
(9:53:32 PM) < kitten>: Mathematical.
(9:53:39 PM) < FD>: yes.
(9:53:46 PM) < FD>: that's why i can't follow song structures.
(9:54:06 PM) < FD>: i can't plan out a song. it just has to fit whatever is broken in my patterns, whatever is missing.
(9:54:38 PM) < FD>: everything in the end, is mathematical.
(9:54:50 PM) < FD>: if it's not expressed in one way, it's expressed in another
(9:55:12 PM) < FD>: and i'm just a whole bunch of twisted equations
(9:55:42 PM) < kitten>: So are fractals, and they turn out beautiful.
(9:56:11 PM) < FD>: but see... what happens when i want to plan out a release? all the time it takes to do that, leaves me with no time to make new music
(9:56:29 PM) < FD>: and if i'm not making new music, i'm slowly falling apart
(9:57:30 PM) < kitten>: I don't have a good answer for that.
(10:04:35 PM) < FD>: someone shut off the universe, please.
(10:05:17 PM) < kitten>: Then you'd just be floating in a vast, cold void.
(10:06:18 PM) < FD>: i would not be floating. there would be nothing floating.
(10:07:17 PM) < kitten>: You'd be in a void anyway. :/
(10:07:29 PM) < kitten>: That thought does not appeal to me.
(10:07:33 PM) < FD>: i would not "be".
(10:07:47 PM) < FD>: nothing would.
(10:08:15 PM) < FD>: all these colors and swirls and temperatures and measures
(10:08:23 PM) < FD>: i hate all of it right now. all of it.
(10:08:46 PM) < kitten>: mmf.
(10:09:54 PM) < kitten>: I don't think the universe is going anywhere. It's here. And it needs someone like you in it.
(10:10:05 PM) < FD>: =/
(10:25:40 PM) < kitten>: I am a doctor. I am a taxi driver. I am an electrician.
(10:26:10 PM) < FD>: but society forces you to do that.
(10:26:18 PM) < FD>: like they expect you to be "something"
(10:26:25 PM) < FD>: in order to measure your worth.
(10:26:48 PM) < FD>: i am consiousness at a very limited level
(10:27:13 PM) < kitten>: I guess. And you see it straining to get out, sometimes.
(10:27:25 PM) < kitten>: Why they buy those little paint by number statues. The latch-hook kits.
(10:27:36 PM) < kitten>: Something to make them feel creative in a world where they've forgotten how.
(10:28:23 PM) < FD>: i want to know how to fix it.
(10:30:11 PM) < kitten>: What should change?

Number to nowhere.

February 20, 2010

Last night was the first night in which my dreams recognized your absence rather than your presence. I kept trying to send you a text message telling you that I missed you, but the phone number was wrong and the message would not go through.

May the Universe unfold as it should.

February 16, 2010

In the grander scheme of things, our individual state of being is irrelevant. The Universe will unfold as it should regardless.

Happy Valentine's Day, Miss FD.

February 14, 2010

I woke up at 5:23 AM, unable to stop crying. The anxiety was overwhelming. They promised to let me know as soon as it was okay for me to go out there again. I tried to force myself back to sleep.

7:01 AM - Phone rings. And my phone ringing at 7:01 AM on a Sunday morning, made my heart instantly fill with a sense of despair.

"I'm sorry, but it's not looking so good. I'm really sorry."

Get up. Shower. Get dressed. Stuff random anything clothes into bag. Drive to the the airport. Stand in line. Go through security check. Keep eyes low, don't want to look at anyone. Break down crying when the inspections officer tells me to cheer up as it's Valentine's day. Get on plane, get off plane, grab a cab, send text message to ask what room to go to at the hospital.

Nothing left to see. The body was already taken for organ donation. You can just head straight to his place to spend the night there.

I didn't even get to see him one last time.

Emotionally incompetent.

February 13, 2010

I've always been an emotionally incompetent idiot. Unfortunately, it takes quite drastic circumstances for me to even be able to realize what "emotions" I may possibly feel about anything. And well, needless to say, this situation is quite drastic.

I miss you more than anything.

Jumping through the black holes of the Universe.

February 4, 2010

I want to tell you, that I don't want you to leave me here alone. But this isn't about me. I wish for whichever outcome is best for the journey of your soul.

I only hope that even through this darkness I can find and comfort you, just like the so many times you found and saved me before.

I am part of the all that is.

February 1, 2010

I refuse to be a mere bystander, observing a world following motions of its own. I have to trust that if the Universe unfolds its signs to me in ways which I can interpret, that these signs can be more to me than simple warnings of inevitable resignations. Although I may not know precisely what my part may actually play out to be in the grander scheme of things, or how I may or may not affect the outcome of a specific situation, I choose to at least move the pieces that are within my reach with my best intent, to play my part in the story of the Universe unfolding with greater meaning.

From the start, until the end - and here we go once again!

December 11, 2009

Click around and get acquainted with the new site. Updates are coming!

Best,

-FD!